So I have 7 days left in New jersey and I couldn't be more excited to come home. Its been a long 5 weeks and hard ones at that. But everytime I come back to JSA I inevitably learn some life long lessons and I learn a ton about myself. This summer I've learned that:

-I hate money. I hate loaning, needing, not having enough of it, asking for it back. Money complicates things.

-"Trying men on" makes you the women I always say I hate. The ones that mess men up for the rest of us good women who take care of the men. But alas, I have become that woman this summer. The one who hurt someone just because she was board at summer school and he was a little exciting but nothing really special enough to keep my interest.

-Men make women messy. So does alcohol. Both of these should come with caution tape.

- living by example is the best way to go. You'll always end up with fewer regrets if you never do anything you wouldn't tell your grandmother about.

-Fun always comes with a price. In my quest for fun this summer I've paid it.

-Wyoming will always beckon me back.

-Kids are smarter than I ever thought. And they will always call you on your bull shit if you don't clean it up.

-Nothing should ever stress us out as much as we do. But understanding of gravity is key for successfully mitigating life's bull shit.

-Obesity could be helped by proximity. Make getting food an inconvenience and people will lose weight

 

More to come..

 

So I went on a date tonight with the guy that I met at the sundance earlier in the week. We had fun. Not as much as I thought we would have. He either was losing interest by the end of the date or he was trying not to get too involved. Probably both considering I leave for New Jersey tomorrow evening. He was cool though and it was a good time. Definitely a new experience. And he took me to a great restaurant. He definitely had good taste but the whole time we were talking about high school and college, I kept thinking that we were from very different stratas. He was the foot ball playing wealthy popular kid from monarch high who almost went to Purdue to play football. And I am the nerdy turned cute girl from longmont that went to the cheap hick school in wyoming. He wasn't very gentlemanly either. He only held the door for me like twice and never opend my car door. He was also kinda rude in the restaurant. Not outwardly but just very quick sometimes with the waitress.  Mostly I'm just being nitpicky to rationalize my feelings about the evening. I had a great time but I was also disappointed. When he dropped me off at my car he didn't even get out to give me a hug good bye or a kiss good night. He just stayed in his seat in the car and drove off before I got into my vehicle. Part of my thinks that he was going out to party with his friends after dropping me off which is cool. I'm sure that's what 22 year olds in denver do sometimes. But being from the two different worlds that we are, its really hard to see anything working out in the future. He did tell his mom about me though. And I met his brother and his wife because they were randomly at the same theater we were. My overall grade for this date is satisfactory.

My flight takes off at 11:55 pm tomorrow evening. and I arrive and 5:25 in the morning. Talk about a red eye. I"m excited but it really hasn't set in that I'm actually going. It really never does til I'm on the plane half way there. I'm really excited to see everybody there. And sad of course to be leaving for a while but as per usual I'll be back in 5 weeks.  and by the end it always seems to fly by.

I think the phrase, "Nice Guys finish last" is a crock of shit. Guys who use this phrase probably were hurt by women in the past, but that doesn't mean anything. Everyone has been hurt in the past. What about nice girls finishing last? Men and women are equally likely to hurt people in their lives of the opposite sex. I think this phrase is just an attempt to get sympathy. Nobody is nice, girls or boys. We've all done things we regret that have hurt members of the opposite sex.

Nice guys finish last? No such thing...

I'm a hopeless romantic. I keep waiting for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet, someone to amaze me and to be amazed by me. I've only lived for 20 and a half years. I've accomplished  a lot and been through a lot. I have a lot yet to accomplish and go through. I  like to think I know something about life. But then I learn someone thing new everyday and my lack of knowledge presents itself again and again. The funny thing about advice is that I know exactly what anyone coming to me for advice should do in most situations. But it is so hard to know what to do in my own situations. When I am the person with something on the line. A lot of time I'm clueless.

Think there is a way to become less judgemental? Without totally losing all your confidence? I'm not sure but I hope so.

"Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go...

One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me
We'll have drinks and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you
You'll sleep here, i'll sleep there, but then the heating may be down again
at my convenience
we'd be good, we'd be great together."
        ~Imogen Heap

So Last night was a bunch of fun. I went up to Ft. Collins with my friend Thomasa to do some drinking and some chilling and Brandon came down to see me. We had a good time. I really enjoy his company and I'm beginning to think he really enjoys mine. And why shouldn't he? I'm fabulous. And with him I've paid my dues. Good things do come to those who wait. And while i've felt foolish in the past for hanging onto my friendship with him, I now know that it was a smart decision because it seems that he has come around and realized that he wants me in his life as more than just a friend. I had a feeling about this one. I kinda felt like if I could just hang on while he figured his stuff out that things would work out. And it seems to be paying off. Not that I'm not thinking about all the things that could come up, but I just don't care about them at the moment. Our friendship is what it is at the moment and I like that place for the time being. He's a good guy. Friday will be exciting.

So today was good. I washed a bunch of clothes, vaccumed, did the dishes, talked to brandon a bit (he's  still working on getting better). I'm still bummed he didn't get to come down and see me. I hung out with Chris CHandler last night and we had fun. I haven't seen or talked to him in so long it was weird at first. But then we just kept talking and talking. I think I was hoping that he had grown up since going to college. And he definatly has. But I feel like he would have been just perfect for the me he dated right after graduation. And I've grown up too. So alas, we are still in two differant places. He really should have some more confidence. He has a lot going for him.

We are going to hang out again tonight and in the back of my mind, I don't want to and that's a bad sign. In the back of my mind I wanna stay home so I can talk with Brandon later. That's a really bad sign. One because I will be distracted the whole time I'm hanging out with chris and that I'm willing to sacrifice social interaction to sit in front of my computer. Interesting...no pathetic. Maybe I'll invite him over to just watch a movie. But see that' dangerous because that might lead to things. And I certainly dont want things to happen with this kid. And I'm not going to let them just because I can.

I have an interesting opportunity to rekindle a good friendship that I abandoned after high school. I just have to make sure I don't mess the opportunity up. Cause let's face it: he and I could both use a good friend in this town. Wish me luck....

So Brandon was supposed to come see me today but alas, he took ill. SO now I am bored sitting at my computer. I'm thinking I wanna go out and cause some trouble. I've been facebooking and myspacing  with an old flame from high school and I think we might hang out tonight. Before or after I go with Kate and Jeremy to brag a drink.

I know brandon was really sick, but I still am disappointed that we didn't get to hang out today. Time is of the essence! I leave in t minus 12 days. and Kate and I have resigned to make another todo list/ soundtrack for the time before I leave. It should be good.

Kate's 21st was fantastic. We had so much fun!

SO my brother is on his way home for his 3 weeks of leave. He called us last night and should be in transit to houston right now. I'm not sure which european base he'll stop at but my guess is one in germany. anyway, I'm pretty excited.

So the closer and closer I get to june, the more sad I get. Or is it sadder? I dont think so but hey. I'm getting sad. I think secretly I'm hoping Eric will be there, even though my rational brain knows he won't and that I will have just as much fun without him. But will I? He was such a big part of my summer last year and really a big part of my life. It took me a long time to get over him mostly because my mind was on other things. Now that I'm not doing much and not working my mind begins to wander to negative subjects. It kills me that there is a possibility that he will be spending his summer with katie gorman.

But then my rational brain kicks back in. There is a point to not having things be the same. This experience will be good. And as long as  I stick to my guns and my rules about no summer relationships at JSA then I will be so much less hurt ( if that makes sense) then I was last year. I can't have another fall like I did. Eric made me messy. And I can never let someone do that to me again. I suppose if someone really cares about you, they won't mess you up. If someone really cares about you, they won't stop calling or break up with you when you fly out to see them for their birthday, or leave you behind.

I gotta find something like my ideal even if it doesn't match entirely. I have to find someone to restore my faith in men and relationships. or else by the time I'm 23 i'm going to be totally bitter. And what a waste that would be.

"Fuck you lucy for leaving me
Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, im not ok
And I dont know what to do...

Do I sound mad?
Well I guess im a little pissed
Every action has a point
Five points make a fist
You close em
You swing em
It hurst when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch
But if the boot fits
I got an idea
You should get a tatoo that says warning
Thats all, just a warning
So the potential victim
Can take a left and safe breath
And avoid you
Sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream Fuck you Lucy
But the problem is i love you Lucy
So instead
Ima finish my drink,and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover"
     ~Atmosphere